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Lifestyle
TUESDAY, AUGUST 18, 2020
14
Parenting
Six strategies for sharing disappointing
news with kids, in a year with lots of it
Felice Keller Becker
THE WASHINGTON POST - Earlier this week,
I received a voice mail from our Los An-
geles-area school district with news I had
been both expecting and dreading: Our
students would not be returning to campus
this fall. While I was looded with emotions
from sadness to frustration to even some
relief, my irst thought was, "How am I go-
ing to tell my children?"
Like many parents, my husband and I
have been struggling the last several months
with being the constant bearers of dificult
news. Just this week, we had to inform our
nine- and four-year-old daughters that their
art and dance camps wouldn't be re-opening
and that our beloved annual family vacation
to the Oregon coast was cancelled. Would
this announcement about school closures be
too much disappointment for them to handle,
maybe even traumatising?
"Probably not," said Clinical Psychologist
at the Child Mind Institute Jamie Howard.
Howard believes these changes to our chil-
dren's routines, though unsettling, will likely
be "stressors, not traumas", giving parents
the opportunity "to mitigate the negative ef-
fects of stress".
Here are six strategies suggested by ex-
perts to help parents share disruptive news,
while helping their children feel more sup-
ported and resilient.
GIVE THEM THE INFORMATION THEY NEED,
BUT DON'T INTERPRET IT
While this sounds simple, sometimes telling
the truth isn't easy. As parents, our impulse is
often to shield our children from pain, a topic
that psychotherapist Amy Morin spends an
entire chapter exploring in her book
13 Things
Mentally Strong People Don't Do
.
In a recent interview, Morin told me that
when kids are not given the chance to navi-
gate through discomfort, they don't realise
they are able to work through it. And when
they do learn the once-hidden information,
they may infer, "If mom and dad didn't tell me
about this, it must be because they think I'm
not able to handle it."
She recommends inding a quiet moment
to share the news, giving only the details
they need to make sense of things in a de-
velopmentally appropriate way, and leaving
out statistics and gruesome details about
the virus itself. As opposed to beginning the
conversation with "I got really terrible news
today," Morin encourages parents to let kids
interpret the information for themselves with-
out commentary.
Parents sharing the news about school
going virtual could say, "I wanted to let you
know that I just got an email from your school
district saying that we won't be able to start
the year back on campus. You will still be as-
signed a class and teacher, but initially you
will meet on Zoom."
It's important for parents to explain the
"why", Howard said. Kids may need explana-
tions around the reasoning for social distanc-
ing and the sudden halt to in-person activities.
Giving kids an understanding of how doctors
and scientists are working to develop medi-
cations and treatments reveals how people
are problem-solving and reinforces that this
situation is temporary.
LET THEM HAVE THEIR FEELINGS
Although it's heartbreaking to see our chil-
dren hurting, we must give them space and
permission to feel angry or frustrated or mis-
erable. Kids will need to work through their
dificult feelings, and younger children may
need help identifying them ("are you feeling
sad or mad?"). Our job is to validate their feel-
ings, not judge them.
It's hard to let kids "sit in their disappoint-
ment," Morin said, but she urges parents not to
rush to make things better by taking them for
ice cream or focussing on just the positives.
"It's more important to give them a bal-
anced view," she said. For example, say,
"We're going to be able to do certain things
because you're not going to be in school, but
on the other hand, you're going to miss your
friends a lot, too."
As we validate our kids' feelings, it's an
opportunity to empathise. Be mindful not
to burden them with concerns about child
care, work and long-term safety, but Morin
said parents need to resist the temptation
to paste smiles on our faces. It's much more
beneicial to model coping strategies by say-
ing, "I'm really sad about this, but here's how
I'm going to take care of my sad feelings."
Younger kids especially will need coach-
ing to cope with their feelings. "Maybe you
say to them, 'I know you are really sad right
now. What are two things you could do?’"
Morin said. Parents can make a couple of
suggestions or help little ones ill a shoe box
with calming items such as a favourite book
or scented lotion.
DON'T GO INTO IT WITH AN AGENDA
As parents, we often want to get the uncom-
fortable discussions over with. We are inclined
to have "the talk" and then breathe a sigh of
relief and cross it off our list. But Morin said
that these types of conversations, as well as
the ones related to the pandemic and chang-
ing routines, beneit from being ongoing.
Once we share the most pertinent infor-
mation, we should let our children's ques-
tions and input guide us, even if it means
that initial conversation stops. Kids may need
time to process their feelings alone before
being open to talk more.
Also, Howard encourages parents to re-
spond to kids' questions truthfully and with
developmentally appropriate information. If
children inquire about the speciic date that
they will be able to return to campus, for ex-
ample, be clear that you don't have all of the
answers. Then promise that as soon as that in-
formation is available, you will let them know.
REASSURE THEM
In this time of so many unknowns, life can
feel overwhelming. When sharing dificult
news, Morin said parents should emphasise
that this may be disappointing, but we are
strong enough to deal with it.
In addition to reassuring them that they
can cope, Howard recommends we ind ways
to model what lexibility and problem-solving
skills look like. "So you can say, 'I was really
counting on you going back to school, so I
could go to work. It looks like that's not going
to happen, so we're going to have to be lex-
ible here, and we're going to have to igure
out a new way to handle this’ ."
HAVE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
It's easy to worry that we are falling short or
our kids aren't rebounding as quickly as we'd
hoped. Remember, though, that your "job is to
be good enough right now," Howard said. "Con-
text matters, and we're living in a pandemic. So
you want to be pandemic-level good."
She also said many people misunderstand
what resiliencemeans, thinking that we should
somehow emerge froma dificult situation as a
better version of ourselves. "Resilience means
putting one foot in front of the other and
meeting developmental milestones," Howard
said. "It's getting through a stressful situation
without tremendous harm done."
FIND MORE SUPPORT, IF NECESSARY
Each family is navigating its own circum-
stances and challenges, many of which are
straining them inancially and socially. Some-
times the best thing parents can do is seek
help. Whether we are struggling ourselves or
worry that our children are stuck in feelings
of anxiety or depression, it's important to
reach out for support. Look for free resources
offered by your state and county, or ask your
doctor or friends for therapist referrals.
"So much of parents' anxiety is feeling
they don't have the right answers," Howard
said. "Therapists can help you work through
something like that," even if it's evaluating
school options or role-playing dificult con-
versations with your kids.
As I prepare for my own discussion
with my girls, I think about our last sever-
al months. While we've deinitely had our
share of acting up and melting down (kids
and adults alike), I realise my concern about
resilience was not only for my children.
I've been scared that I may not be strong
enough to face the challenges ahead. Al-
though no one knows what the future holds,
I can only do my pandemic-best. We all will.
And that's enough.
It's important to use honest, age-appropriate language when talking about school plans for the fall,
COVID19 and other tough subjects.